Unique Personal Poems

Unique Personal Poems I can write a unique poem for any occasion. If you're interested in getting one created for a someone, then get in contact.

Do you know someone who would love a personalised poem for a special occasion? It could be a wedding gift, birthday, Mother's Day, or even a poem celebrating the life of someone who's passed. If you tell me about the person in mind (e.g. funny anecdotes, interests, hobbies, even struggles that have been overcome), then I can write you a poem that is completely unique for them. I've been writing po

ems for years - for friends and family on special occasions. I have been commissioned to write poems for other people and for many different occasions and have had great feedback, so my daughter, Lisa and I are trying to turn it into a business. I write the poems and runs all of the online things - page, Reddit, etc. If you'd like to speak to me on the phone or email me directly then Lisa will make sure it happens. If you would like to see some of the poems I've written for other people (they've given permission for these to be shown as examples), before considering commissioning one yourself then send us a message, post on our page or email [email protected]

I will be asking people to challenge me to write a poem on any topic and it can be as obscure as you like. Then once/twice a week we will post a new poem about that subject. We will put up some examples that my daughters have challenged me to do in the past - including some about socks, hoovers, as well as other topics...

15/09/2016

CHELSEA

Chelsea, it's your birthday. Thirteen years old today.
And there is one or two things I would like to say.
I realise thirteen can be unlucky for some,
I’m just saying don’t let you be the one. Control those hormones. Don’t let them race,
Don’t use loads of make-up, you have a pretty face.
You’ll discover high-heels, this much I know,
Because you are small and you want to grow.
You only need air. You don’t need smoke.
I know coming from me, sounds a bit of a joke.
It really would be money that you would burn,
From my mistakes, I sure you will learn.
The demon drink, alcohol, in any shape or form,
Wake up feeling crap regret the day you were born.
No recollection, can’t remember who, where or when,
Got home some time can only recall before ten.
Drugs! We won’t go there, a slippery slope.
Leave them alone. Bad news definitely no joke.
Attitude! It’s no good, never stop listening,
You’re only thirteen, you don’t know everything.
Get your education, even if it’s not the rule,
Be what you want to be. And no-bodies fool.
We all have a brain, to use it, is our choice,
Speak up for your beliefs let others hear your voice.
I mentioned hormones earlier, and again I better had,
I’m not in a hurry Chelsea, to become a grandad.
Well, I’ve said all I need to, and consider it true,
In life Chelsea, be happy and most important. Be YOU!

14/09/2016

Do you know anyone who is getting married? are you a
best man who is stuck for a speech?How would you like something very different? I can do this and take the pressure off them by write a poem for you about the day, bride,groom etc and i will do it for free for the first five as long as you will till people that i did it for you, all i need is some information where they met, what they do etc, I promise you it will be amusing an lighthearted and don't thiink it will be just a few lines, the poem will be of some length.
i have put some poems on here which i did for my daughters and there friends so you can see what i do.

14/09/2016

ALICE’S SIXTEENTH

Happy birthday Alice, sixteen years old today,
“The time has flown past” is what your parents say.
From the day that you were born, on the sixteenth of September,
A day not to forget, your mum and dad will remember.
You were “Daddy’s little angel” the apple of his eye,
He would make you laugh, when you wanted to cry.
Although you were a girl, you often wore Jack’s clothes,
Or a skirt of many colours, they called you “Second hand Rose” “Bib and braces” was your favourite, oh dear, what a sight,
To dress like a girl, to you didn’t seem quite right.
You were always sucking your fingers, this you can’t deny,
Mum and dad couldn’t stop you, no matter how they try.
Until you put your fingers, on top of the wood burning stove,
It stopped the finger sucking, but did you suck your toes?
Do you remember Floppy? I’m pretty sure you might,
He was more like a “Were rabbit” because of his nasty bite.
Playing in dads scrap yard, I’m sure you had great fun,
And by what I’ve been told, you weren’t the only one.
Getting inside a caravan, climbing out of the sky-light,
Jumping onto cushions and screaming with delight.
Days spent with Josh, bickering like a married pair,
Bossing him about, well nothing has changed there.
All of a sudden you grew up, off to Sheldon School,
With a pink lady apple and yogurt is the rule.
The “Tom-boy” look vanished, its make-up and a skirt,
You like to look your best, with Jake you would flirt.
Evenings spent in your room, laptop is turned on,
Fingers typing on face book, listening to a song.
Just think, sixteen years, you have managed to survive,
And it’s only one more year then you can learn to drive.
No more relying on mum and dad, to take you anywhere,
Get your dad to buy you a car, go on, this I dare.
So Alice, enjoy your birthday, have a wonderful day,
Keep smiling; be happy, because there’s no other way.

13/09/2016

HAMMERS

A hammer is a useful tool, for banging in the nails,
They are very straight forward, no instruction do they entail.
You just aim it at the nail, and let your arm and wrist swing,
Keep your thumb out of the way, or you'll curse that darn thing.
Some people are quite lazy, using screws, they are not wiser,
Using brute force and bang them in, instead of a screw-driver.
The stance in mostly upright, but can be laying down on the belly,
In some situations, in cupboards, or under the telly.
There are many different sorts, we mostly use the claw,
It can be used for pulling out nails, instead of using a saw.
The sledge is the biggy! can be ten pounds, as you know,
But don’t get it confused, to the one you ride on in the snow.
A little-un named a ball pain, which is used by skillful blokes,
Stop tittering as you read this, your making up your own jokes.
It's not to be used on an amourous husband, or even his randy mate,
But, for shaping metal, not in a handbag on a blind date.
One type is made of rubber, no dents and little sound,
Your fingers not in danger so much, mind the head on the rebound.
A wooden hammer is a mallet, used by sculptors high and low,
But beware how you hit stone, look what happened to Venus de milo.
One day she was stood there, showing all her beauty and charm,
Then, with one tap to hard, she has no bloody arms.
She is worth and absolute fortune, a frightening amazing feat,
So i hate to think how much she'd be worth, if only she was complete.
Even surgeons sometimes used them and don’t make matters worse,
Instead of saying "pass the scalpel” they say “pass the hammer nurse."
So, what would we do without them, this question does arise,
Like lots of things, it's what u do with it, and nothing to do with size.

13/09/2016

MOONRAKER MAYEM

I wer minding my own business staring at the sky,
When a gert big cow came and stood next to I.
"What's so odd about that" I 'er ya say,
We often see cows, tis the country way
"I knows that,I've yurd it all before,
But never on 'ard shoulder of this 'er M4.
I'd bin up to Swindon, Is where i'd been,
This yer fan belt broke,casn't see for steam.
My passenger and mate, who’s name is Fred,
Said " woz her done now, is banger dead.
"We 'as lost water, tempature gauge is on 'ot,
Is we going any further, no we is not."
Fred scratched his head,"But that aint Juice!"
I know ya turnip! That I ad already deduced!"
"Look yer now Fred, forget about it for now,
What is we to be doing about this yer cow.?"
Fred licked his lips,I said "No we're not,
Puttin it in oven, barbecue or pot."
What would the farmer zay,to him it's treason,
To fill up yer freezer, with one of 'is fresians
fred waz 'aving a moment, away into space,
When this yer cow licked him all over 'is face.
E did cough and splutter like a good un,
And discovered, french kissing a cow ain't much fun.
The cow fluttered her eye lids, she ad bin fooled,
As though to say,"get yer coat Fred you’ve u've pulled!"
just in time the AA man pulled up in 'is van,
"What's the problem mate? i'll fix it if I can."
"I 'as run out of water! but forget that for now,
What is we gun ado about this yer cow?"
The cow stood eyeing up Fred for what seemed like hours,
Staring at ‘im, as though waiting for flowers.
Poor Fred, 'e woz so nervous, I cud tell by the stink,
It didn't help, when cow licked her lips and winked.
For what 'appened next, I wer truely thankful,
When 'ubby turned up in the shape of a bull.
He scuffed the earth with his hoof and snorted down 'is nose,
Not exactly romantic, he didn't even bring a rose.
Cow looked at Fred,with a face of remorse,
It would never had worked, they both knew this of course.
I know i'm warped, but I can't 'elp but laugh,
to think of there offspring, what an odd looking calf.
people would come from scotland and Dover,
to zee a calf, with a double chin and a comb over.
Everything turned out ok, and I know it sounds crazy,
fred's 'appy now and married to a lady called Daisey.

13/09/2016

autumn

Leaves cascades down like summers tears,
As empty tree branches begin to appear.
Winds blows colder, causing a carpet of colour,
No green, but gold, orange and many others.
The nights are closing in, less hours of light,
Got to turn on the heating, let the boilers ignite.
Swallows retreated, back to a warmer climate,
Hedgehogs begin to yawn, ready to hibernate.
Hunting for mushrooms, find them where ever,
In the morning dew, after rainy weather.
Tomatoes have withered, no flowers in the bed,
An early frost got them, all shrivelled now dead.
The landscape has changed, to brown and grey,
It what happens in autumn, it is natures way.
Our sun shines less, in the sky so low,
Unlike where it shone only a few months ago.
Away with the shorts, get out the gloves and hat,
In the shed with the chairs, where evenings we sat.
The year is closing, and getting older,
The only difference from summer, the rain is colder.

10/12/2015

Do you know someone who would love a personalised poem for a special occasion? It could be a wedding gift, birthday, for Mother's Day, or even a poem celebra...

12/10/2015

Jeremy Kyle poem

Every morning on telly there is someone you know,
His name is Jeremy Kyle and he has own show.
It’s always a challenge when on comes a guest,
Whether for a lie detector or a DNA test.
“How many time have you cheated? Tell me the truth.”
Well,” he replied, “Just with Jane, Carol and Ruth!”
“Isn’t Carol her sister? And isn’t Jane her mother?”
“Yes, Jeremy. That’s true, but there are no others.”
“So, why are you with him? You should run the other way!”
“I know! But I love him! What more can I say?”
On comes the sister; shouting and going mad,
“What you don’t know, sis, is I’m pregnant and he is the dad!”
“Oh my God!” says Jeremy, “For goodness sake!”
“I’m off for a lie down. I’ve got a bad headache.”
On comes the boyfriend. “Would you all welcome, Troy.
Sit down and sit up. What have you got to say, boy?
You had in*******se with her sister and also her mum.
I don’t know what you’ve got, but I wish I had some.
She is pregnant!” he shouted. “You stupid git!
Why didn’t you put something on the end of it?”
“Well, Mum, you don’t seem to have a lot to say.
Tell me what happened on that fateful day.”
“I was drunk, Jeremy! One thing led to another!”
“Oh come on love! It was your daughter’s lover!
I don’t care if you drank ten bottles of wine,
You really don’t do this! You don’t cross that line!”
It was all kicking off; the stage was in mayhem.
When on comes Mr Cool in the shape of Graham.
“Welcome Graham everybody, who is the genius!”
Graham doesn’t react, he would never make a fuss.
With his amazing specs, and bristles on his chin,
“You can’t go on like this as nobody can win!
I suggest we all just talk sensibly, no going wild.
And remember the most important thing here is the child.”
“So go off and talk to Graham”, Jeremy says with a sigh.
“Sometimes it doesn’t work, no matter how hard I try!”
“Next out is a lady; she is nervous and her name is Clair.
And she is convinced that her husband is having an affair.”
“So what’s going on Clair? What is the news?
Oh, and by the way, I am loving those shoes.”
“He stays out late at night and he’s gone off s*x,
I’m getting desperate Jeremy, would you like to be next?”
He smiles and shakes his head, so full of denial,
“No! I don’t think so! And neither would Mrs. Kyle.
I have four kids Clair, what would they say? Do you know?”
“Yes, Jeremy I do! As I always watch your show!”
“Let’s bring your husband on. Please welcome Dave.
Sit down. Nice to meet you. Give the audience a wave.”
“Hello, Jeremy. Nice to meet you, but I’m so annoyed,
I’ve done nothing wrong. Clair is so paranoid!”
“So, is it normal to come home at half past three?
So where do you go? And who do you see?”
“See, Jeremy. You’re just the same as Clair!
I’m like a prisoner, can’t seem to go nowhere.”
“Don’t get upset! I’m not having a go.
Just getting the facts. It does say ‘Jeremy Kyle Show.’”
“Sorry, Jeremy! I am at my mates, playing C.O.D.”
“If you don’t mind me saying, that sounds a bit fishy.
Do you think you’ll pass the lie detector test?
Your wife Clair looks less than impressed.”
“Only one way to find out, only one way to tell”
Jeremy opens the envelope, “Well, well, well!”
“What do you think, Clair? Is he a cheating louse?
He passed every question. He’s got a full house!
You have got to trust him more. Know what I mean?
Go off that way and talk to our after-care team.”
“Next on is Kyle with D.N.A. Results after the break.
To find out if he’s the dad, he say he’s one of eight!”
“A round of applause, Kyle is on the show.
By the way nice name, something I know.”
“Hi, Jeremy. It was only a one night stand.
With her, it was sure as hell not planned.”
“Look, I’m old. Explain. You think you are one of eight?”
“I know, Jeremy! Not good is it? She’s a bit of a state!”
“So, this was with Summer, is that right?”
“Yes, Jeremy. Until then it had been a good night.”
“Hang on, you had s*x with her. Take some blame!”
“Please don’t remind me, I hang my head in shame.”
Summer ran on shouting and swearing, kicking him on the leg.
“Talk about a quickie, Jeremy. Not long enough to part boil an egg!”
“I can’t believe it”, says Jeremy, shaking his head,
“Such love and affection, and they say romance is dead.
Now, the other seven. Do they live in your town?”
“Give me the results, Will. I need a lie down.
Before I tell you the results; have you got a job, Kyle?”
“No. Not yet Jeremy, but I’ve been looking for a while”
Jeremy looks at the card, “That’s interesting my lad.”
And walks up to him, then her, and says, “He isn’t the dad!”
Kyle runs off the stage, with Summer in tears,
“This job always surprises me, even after nine years”.
“I’m sorry, Jeremy. I knew the test would be right.
He was so drunk, he didn’t even take off my tights!”
The audience burst into laughter and Summer gave a smile,
“Well, thank you everybody. And it’s goodbye from me, Jeremy Kyle.”

Copyright Clive Ambrose 2015

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