04/03/2021
“Well I’m sorry we’re not as perfect as you and you didn’t end up in the perfect family.”
These are the words that, until yesterday, have held me hostage and constantly wondering if I’m asking for too much.
Growing up in addiction, and all that surrounds it, we really don’t have a clue what is real, what is true, what is good, and what is honest. We also don’t know as children, these adults who are violently warring with their addiction, must offer their shame to us...because they truly are unable to own the reality of how ugly the situation is.
I remember more than I care to, the twisting of reality - which is critically necessary for addiction to survive - which in turn creates children who genuinely believed that it is wrong for wanting the most basic requests of love:
📌Calling out a lie...”well too bad we’re not as perfect as you”
📌Wanting to not be stolen from...”you’re soo greedy and always think you’re better than others”
📌begging to not be physically abused...”do you realize how lucky you are I care enough about you to do this - spare the rod, spoil the child”
Yesterday, after an confronting a family member who had just stolen from me, and lied - those words came out of their mouth, “I’m sorry you didn’t get the perfect family you wanted.”
There it was!!!! The blaming me for their mistake and the audacity of me expecting different and truth. It was a powerful moment of identification!!!! There was another powerful chain of family addiction, broken.
Years of conversations and decades of carried shame came out of me in tears that lasted the entire afternoon. For the first time, I was able to see that statement for what it was...someone trapped in their addiction and had to own the shame of their actions.
For the first time, I didn’t accept that shame. For the first time I was able to rename it and clarify that asking for honesty and physical security is not being too much, it is what I deserve. And, not only was I able to have compassion for myself, but I was able to have it for them too...they lived with those words as children as much as I did.
I keep going over all the places in my current life I see this parental belief system still running the show, still holding me hostage. All the places I accept dishonesty, all the ways I allow disrespect to be normalized, all the softer versions of abuse that have been overlooked. And seemingly in an instant, the awareness certain relationships can’t continue as they are.
This journey of healing isn’t easy. It’s ups and downs - highs and lows. It has me in fear wondering about the imagined consequences of yet another boundary of self-love and the triggering of the abandonment wound so many of us fear where addiction is concerned. It has me in gratitude that I had the painful experience yesterday which lead to such profound awareness. And it has me sad for all the shame I owned which was never mine to begin with.
Today, more than anything, I’m thankful for a sponsor who hammered into me that question, which I alone answer, “do I believe they did the best they could?” I do. This saves me from resentment, which never serves me at all.
I can’t help but wonder, what other lil secret beliefs are holding me hostage, keeping me in darkness, denying me access to the love I sooo deserve.
What beliefs have you had to re-learn as you grow??
