12/17/2024
((This is gonna be a long one, so if you don't care to read, scroll to the bottom for the TL;DR.))
I've got a pretty big announcement, and while a lot of things are still very much uncertain right now, I have to make a major change in order to be the best and healthiest, version of myself.
After this weekend's Flea Off Market Holiday Bazaar, I will not be participating in any more events for the foreseeable future.
Here's why I've come to this decision...
I started working as soon as I was legally able to do so, at age 15 1/2. I'm now 33, and in those 17.5 years, I've worked in every imaginable industry for which I am qualified, in just about every position I possibly could. In just a single decade, from the summer of 2007 to December of 2017, I had worked at over 20 different jobs (several of them simultaneously, but still, it's A LOT.)
I got sober on January 7, 2018, and I thought sobriety would help me to find stability in the workforce because I had blamed my addiction/alcoholism for my inability to maintain gainful employment. Between January of 2018 and October of 2022, I went through another 6 different employers before pursuing my business full-time.
In October 2022, I left the stability of the 9-5, bi-weekly paycheck type of work environment to pursue my art as a full time career. That was a huge and overwhelming step for me at the time, and I am proud of myself for doing so. While I am grateful for the experience, and for the fact that I was able to sustain myself for a full 2 years on that income alone, I simply cannot do it anymore. It is quite literally killing me.
As it turns out, sobriety hasn't "fixed me" like I thought it would because my addiction and the resulting behaviors and choices I made at that time were not the sole culprit for my inability to hold down a job; my issue is that I am a severely disabled person.
I spent nearly 2 decades gaslighting myself, desperately clinging to the notion that, since I'm not totally immobile or solely reliant on others for my care or something of that sort, I *should* be able to function in the world like anyone else. Time and time again, this has been proven to be incorrect.
So, I'm applying for SSDI benefits (as well as SSI).
In regards to my mental health alone, I have been officially diagnosed with, and receive treatment for all of the following mental health disorders which automatically qualify (all of which I have verifiable and extensive history with, beginning in early childhood and teen years):
ADHD
Anxiety (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)
c-PTSD (complex PTSD)
Bipolar Disorder, type II
Major Depression Disorder
Substance Use Disorder (Conduct Disorder)
Below are my chronic physical illnesses which can or do automatically qualify as disabilities:
Fibromyalgia
Degenerative Disc Disease
Severe migraines (Migraine with Aura)
PCOS (Polycystic O***y Syndrome)
Endometriosis
Asthma
*Rheumatoid Arthritis (Awaiting rheumatologist appointment to 100% confirm diagnosis of RA, which is very evident in my daily life, in my blood work, as well as in my family history that my P*P cannot officially diagnose but highly suspects the presence of).
I am a prisoner in my own mind and body.
My daily life is completely controlled by my disabilities - only they can determine what each day will look like for me. No amount of willpower or work ethic can overcome the persistent obstacles in my way. It has become glaringly and frustratingly apparent to me that I am not the one in the driver's seat.
I am, in fact, a disabled person. I am someone who went from being a gifted child with limitless potential, eager to take on the world, to a burnt out and severely limited adult with no great future in sight - and it breaks my fu***ng heart. I am devastated. I wrestle every day with feelings of immense shame over what I perceive as my own failings. And though, logically, I know I am not at fault, and I would never project such an idea onto another disabled person, I can't help but feel like an utter disappointment.
For basically this entire year, I've been at one of the lowest points of my life - mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially. I've been battling with perpetual $u!c!d@L thoughts, fantasizing about an actual end to my suffering, seriously considering which would be the best of all the different methods, and even devising a plan once or twice. I've pretty much lost my will to keep fighting and have, in essence, checked out of life already.
But then I look down in my lap and see the precious face of one of my cats (usually Meeko) and I start to sob as I begin to think of all of the wonderful people in my life who love me, who mean the world to me, and how devastated and traumatized they would be if I went through with it. So, I keep trudging; I survive.
But, after 33 years of "just surviving," it is no longer sustainable for me. I've gotta make a change, not just for those people, but for myself.
So, I hope y'all can understand where I'm coming from and continue to be as supportive of me in this chapter as you have been throughout all of the previous ones. I'll keep you all abreast of the process as it develops.
Much love and appreciation 💖💖💖
TL;DR
I've tried my absolute best to function like a healthy person, but I'm unfortunately just too disabled to keep running my business. I'm in the process of applying for disability. I'll keep y'all posted. 💖
