05/08/2024
I want to thank everyone who has been patient with me during this transition. As I write this I am bawling. My anxiety & adhd have hit a level that I can’t even comprehend. I hide it a lot or try to. I’m so tired of hiding it. If I am being honest this has built up over several years. My life is no where near what I planned. I don’t do changes well at all and that’s all I have experienced for several years now. It’s been trauma heavy and I’ve never had the time to recoop I just roll right into the next thing and try to smile through it meanwhile I am breaking down. This is hard to talk about but, I feel like I have to. I feel like I owe this to all of you. The people who have followed me for years or were new to me right before I went offline. It’s not just anxiety..it’s also depression. I may not seem depressed to you or the version of me you know but, it is the ones you least expect sometimes. We are good at laughing through things..and deflecting. I have came dangerously close to ending my life several times. That’s hard to admit! I’m a Christian and that’s not suppose to be an option…well sometimes it’s the most clear option. It seems like the only option. I know it’s not but, in those moments when life is so heavy..I just want to give up and make it all go away.
My close friends are worn out. I was leaning heavily on them for support and then I realized how much of a burden I had become. If you have thought to yourself…what is wrong with this girl? Why can’t she get her s**t together..well..here I am exposing myself and sharing my mental health struggle. I owe so many of you packages or refunds and I promise I will get to everyone I just can’t promise when. I move very slow..snail pace. Most days it’s all I can do to just get out of bed. It has killed our finances…I don’t know if I will ever recoop to be honest. Right now that is the heaviest of all burdens. It seems like a mountain I can’t climb.
Yes, I am catering (as I can) because it was an outlet at first. But, now the anxiety is shining through that as well. I can manage small orders or platters/grazing tables when I have help. But even then I have to find the strength to power through. Some days I’m fine and I’m happy but, I never know when the bad is going to come back with a vengeance. I am not medicated. I don’t have insurance so I am fighting this with Will power and Jesus. I try not to be alone too often. Shevon gets me out do the house and motivates me as much as he can but, this is new for him. He does the best he can. I just ask for your prayers and patience and understanding as I try
to just get through the next day.
If you see me being silly on some form of social media and think..she’s fine..she’s not. That’s just a portion of my day. It’s just a moment. Please don’t assume anything. I don’t share the negative things but, I’m so tired of making excuses for myself. Life has just been very very hard. But, I don’t want to be ashamed of this anymore. I’m tired of pretending to be fine. If you can relate I’m so so sorry and I’ll pray for you. Send me a message. I promise I will be here for you even through my storm..I know what it’s like. It’s so hard. That’s part of why I decided to be this vulnerable because I know some of you have similar struggles. One of you saw this in me before I told a soul. You knew! It brought me to tears knowing that you could almost feel it. I was holding it all in. You are one of those I would have never guessed ….and you are also a christian. It shocked me. I pray for you a lot!
It took me so long to post this. I wrote and deleted four times. I’m so terrified of being judged or getting a ton of messages asking questions.
