29/10/2025
Now that it’s getting chilly:
Invest in thermal underwear. This will keep you toasty. Until you need to untuck your vest from your long johns when you need to p*e. You’ll have your top clenched in your teeth so you can see where you’re going, you’ll reverse to the loo, go to sit down, before realising you’ve not tackled dropping your drawers. You’ll be truly sweating at this point.
Make yourself some draft excluders from old tights and rolled up newspapers. Don’t use The Daily Mail, it’ll set an icy chill around your gizzards.
Put hand warmers in your knickers. It might also trigger long lost memories of stirrings you’d forgotten. You’ll be beaming like you’ve eaten a bowl of Ready Brek. Do not get carried away with any flutterings, It’s like putting a frozen meat pie in the microwave. You’ll still be chilled at the core.
Find out those tasteful winter throws. You’ll spend most of October tearing the house apart muttering dark incantations about putting things up your arse on the second shelf, and some bu**er subsequently moving them. As the clocks go back, a memory comes forward. You lined the dog’s bed with last year’s throws. The bed the dog refuses to sleep in, but happily sits in to slobber all over his dog’s frollicks. You love your dog. But not that much. Oh well. A trip to Tacky Max it is then.
Dawdle when you do the big shop. This will annoy younger folk. You’ll immediately benefit from the heat permeating from them.
Libraries and free museums are a great way to get both educated and warm. You’ll soon know your Dippydockasorearse from your Velcroelbow.
It’s amazing how long you can wander around B&Q pretending to look for tartan paint, without anyone asking if you need help.
Gather a few friends together, pop into Asda and benefit from their senior winter warmer restaurant offers. Take pens and papers and have a quick game of bingo. Don’t let Maureen forget you’re not at the Gala Bingo, otherwise she’ll get giddy with excitement when she has a line and shout so loud you’ll get banned. Although since no one will recall what any of you look like, except old, you’ll be ok to return next week.
Tell your spouse you’re going to do some roll play. Take him into the bedroom. Make him get into bed. Get in with him. He’ll fret about your heavy breathing, forgetting the toll climbing atop of the new mattress takes on you. When your panting dies down, and your pants are still securely up, tell him “today Mathew, we’re going to be W***y Wonka’s grandparents”. He’ll breathe out an audible sigh of relief knowing that’s the only W***y involved.
Put some foil behind your radiators to reflect the heat beck into the room. Don’t use the discarded foil from your Sunday roast. Your house will smell like KFC and attract Uber Eats.
Turn yourself into a human burrito by rolling yourself in a thick blanket. Don’t forget to have a safe word. This ensures your partner will release you in a timely fashion. No bu**er wants to be found in spring looking like an expired moth larvae.
Pretend you are Uhtred of Bebbanburg and make yourself a castle with bedding to sit in and keep warm. When your family arrives unannounced, you’ll have no need to worry about the cold anymore. You’ll be carted off to the funny farm and kept at an optimum temperature for the duration of your stay.
Stay warm this winter x
(I’m in for my hip replacement tomorrow, so if I miss Sunday’s post I’ve not gone m.i.a, ran off with Tom Delish Hardy (he has a restraining order against me, but I’d rather like him to restrain me. I’m keeping that thought for my hospital bed), or joined the foreign legion x)
