Squirt Towel

Squirt Towel Damn bitch, sq**rt on the towel, not the bed.

Christmas is on the way folks, for us this means - 🏧💰💷💶💵💴!!! But for poor little Xi, he's gonna be doing a solid 24 hou...
28/11/2019

Christmas is on the way folks, for us this means - 🏧💰💷💶💵💴!!! But for poor little Xi, he's gonna be doing a solid 24 hour shift on Christmas day just to keep up with our boxing day sale, where he'll most likely be working another 24, on both shop floor and warehouse. You might think that's cruel but watch you mouth, because Xi has this condition where he cannot work with other people, he beat the s**t out of Stephen - our warehouse operative a few years ago. I mean like cracked his head open like Ninja turtle style, I heard Xi played Leonardo in the movie 😲. So without rambling on, forget the socks, forget the underwear, get yourself a 3 pack of sq**rt towels bi***es! X

03/12/2018

Well well mother fu***ng well. Fellow Sq**rters we have some news for you and if you play your cards right you can get yourself a lovely little Christmas hamper full of sq**rty goodness. Back in the day, 3 lads started a dream, a wet dream but a dream. We got locked up, the key nearly thrown away, exploited the f**k out of whatever we could get our hands on and broke so many promises. I'm even sure there were probably a few homicides committed on our behalf, especially by our boy Xi, f**k me he was sneaky! Anyway, after all the hard work we put in (😂) we were rewarded with some big investment. We've gone global bi***es, every towel you see on the shelves around the world carries the same engineering and technology that the original sq**rt towel carried. That's right, we sold out. But atleast you can be sure that the very towel you wipe your face with is a 100% genuine used sq**rt towel.

Here's your chance to win a bundle of free towels, finish our motto "damn bitch, sq**rt on the......". The winner will be picked randomly. Good luck.

02/12/2017

What's up you Sq**rt Towel fanatics?! It's Xi's favourite time of year, CHRISTMAS. Although company policy is that if you work for Sq**rt Towel, YOU WORK CHRISTMAS DAY BOY. That's right, and not a peep out of our boy Xi, he'll break down walls for this company, someone needs to sweep dem floors and it sure as hell can't wait until boxing day! We would love to offer Xi double, no wait triple pay but until we hit our targets - 2 million sq**rt towels sold, we cannot even guarantee paying Xi his weekly wage. We are currently no where near this, so you've only got yourselves to blame, selfishness if you ask me, our towels are priced at a reasonable £45.99 + £30p&p. BARGAIN. But today and today only we celebrate...

BLACK SATURDAY. THAT'S RIGHT.
GET YOURSELF A SQ**RT TOWEL FOR ONLY..
£29.99 😮😮😮😮!!!!!! !!

We look forward to seeing sales go through the roof this weekend, and as we are feeling generous we might let Xi off (sack) on Xmas day, how bow dat 😎.

This is Xi, product packer and he is employee of the month for October at Sq**rt Towel. Xi works in our Chongqing factor...
13/11/2017

This is Xi, product packer and he is employee of the month for October at Sq**rt Towel.

Xi works in our Chongqing factory and has done since we acquired the factory from previous owner "FleshLight", Xi came as 'part of the furniture' along with 25 other workers, these did not meet our strict requirements and were promptly dismissed. After overcoming many behavioural issues, a drinking problem, several sexual harassment in the work place offences, a drink driving offence and a drug addiction where he was caught sniffing co***ne off a pre-packed multipack of Sq**rt Towels, Xi was given a last chance to pull his act together.

Since, Xi now works 14 hours a day without a break, 6 days a week and has not had a week off for almost 2 years, how about that for dedication!

Xi has also recently got married and is now expecting to become a father shortly, Xi quotes - "The thought of becoming a father is terrifying but I can't wait, to support my family I have already in advance agreed to work 7 days a week for 16 hours a day. My friends and family say this is because I am planning to avoid being around my wife and child, but I say its to give them a better life, and more coincidental then anything".

We say good luck Xi and we can't wait to get you on board for the gruelling '7 dayer', keep up the good work, pal!

Our social media team caught up with Warehouse Operations Coordinator Steven from our factory in China, here's what he h...
14/10/2017

Our social media team caught up with Warehouse Operations Coordinator Steven from our factory in China, here's what he had to say. " Sq**rt towel is the best job I ever had, the hours and days are very long but the pay and benefits are great and I feel the company backs my dreams of becoming warehouse manager one day. I would probably be eating out of bins and would be forced to return to my old job of male escorting if it wasn't for you". No problem Steven.... Dream on.

We managed to get a moment with p**n actress Mia Khalifa on set straight after filming. Mia was covered in the stuff bu...
13/10/2017

We managed to get a moment with p**n actress Mia Khalifa on set straight after filming. Mia was covered in the stuff but luckily we were there to hand her an official Sq**rt Towel to mop it all up. "Thanks guys, the studio provides us with towels but nothing like the quality of a Sq**rt Towel. You can really tell there has been some serious thought gone into the production of this towel, it's super soft and soaks up fluids really well, so well that it wasn't even crusty afterwards! That's incredible". So folks, you've heard it from Mia, NO CRUST, infact, our towels are mechanically designed to clean themselves OMG............ catch me outside b**h, how bow dat.

13/07/2017

The towel of your dreams, the super soaker-uper, the j**z ragger, the original soggy biscuit, the creamer cleaner. These are the many street names we've heard been circulated around the world for our award winning towel. We would love to hear what you or your gang call it in the comments section below! Best one gets a free sq**rt towel!
We are proud of our product and our corrupt history, and we welcome you, our followers, as part of the family!

10/03/2017

Send nudes for a FREE Sq**rt Towel tonight, shipped out of our brand new and improved warehouse in China, expect 6 months delivery though.

10/03/2017

FREE Sq**rt towel giveaway to the first person who comments on this status!

06/01/2017

Happy new year fellow sq**rters! We hope you had a wonderful festive period. Unfortunately we've been forced to find a new supplier after our slight predicament with child labour so orders are currently 6-8 months behind schedule.

We've got big things planned for 2017 including appearances at some adult shows in the US.

As you'll all know we heavily invest in our research department and this year we're hoping to release a new line of products and accessories including a Sq**rt Towel with Bluetooth/App integration to record all types of important data - keeping you active and fit which you can then share directly with your friends.

Sq**rters unite, roll out!

21/11/2016

Well, what can I say, we done did it again! We've been back in the pen for further child labour exploitation. We were amongst the likes of M&S and Asos who were caught exploiting cheap as chips child labour factories in Turkey - genius idea I know. So after we got out. the court told us "one more offence and we'll throw away the key!" - we'll do what we want when we want law dog and you ain't gunna stop us! Is what we would of said, but instead we grovelled like bi***es, but deep down we were sticking it to the man! Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to stay in this high end towel manufacturing game, and we are suckers for stacks of Benjamin's, dem crisp "hunid dolla billz". So end of the story goes like this, we are all out on tag and gotta be on best behaviour. We'll see 😉. X

18/08/2016

Hey guys! We are out! We don't know how many of you were aware but our team has spent the last few months in a Nigerian prison for exploiting cheap labour, our factory was shut down and all towels possessed by the police. Do we regret it? No fu***ng way, "Livin' the live that of diamonds and guns
There's numerous ways you can choose to earn funds, earn funds
Some of 'em get shot, locked down and turn nuns
Cowardly hearts end straight up shook ones, shook ones
He ain't a crook son, he's just a shook one, shook one"

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Taunton

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07551868429

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