17/03/2023
Human relationships are difficult and exhausting— this is what I have felt all my life. Loving people who only loved you back when it was convenient, waiting for an apology that never arrives when you want it and when it does, it is accompanied by no change in behaviour; just people breaking your heart again and you letting them because you do not know how to be alone, being cared by people who obliquely point out how hard it is to care for someone like you, the sound of footsteps walking away from you, the goodbyes that occur out of the blue and ruin your entire month in a split second, the clinging and holding on only for them to look at you with contempt and pity, fighting and demanding respect from people who are committed to misunderstanding you— I thought human relationships were the hardest thing to understand in this entire universe. I built a wall around my heart and told everyone I didn't need people and that was enough for them to be wary of me. Perhaps, I was waiting for someone to sneak their way into my heart and tell me that it was okay to let my guard down. At least once. My Mother asked what it is that I want from the world. After all, everyone has the same experiences as me and none of it sidetracks their life and makes them incapable of functioning like a normal human being. None of it snatches their potential to love. I thought for a long time about what I wanted and realized that I wasn't seeking a significant place in someone's life, or wanting people to put me on a pedestal. All I wanted was softness and kindness. All I wanted was a smile and consideration. I told my Mother how I felt and she sweetly reminded me that if what I seeked wasn't what I was offered in a relationship, I have to walk away. It was the hardest thing and the easiest thing. I have to stop feeling like I owe people something and let them have that behaviour when I am treated unfairly. I have to realize that I can make mistakes and apologize and try my best to change my habits but if people want to hold on to the younger, older version of who I was, I have to accept their lack of growth and move on.
I have to stop romanticizing people who have wounded me and understand that there is no way that I am only going to love once and there is no way that I am only loved once and that, too, so half-heartedly and poorly. I don't have to hold on to the small kind gestures of toxic people and believe the good in them when I know that their kinder, loving version is temporary and short-lived. And when I see red flags, I have to stop wearing my rose tinted glasses and realize that no matter how much I want to build a connection with someone, if they are not right for me now, they won't be right for me later. My love isn't strong enough to change people because at the end of the day, people only do what they choose to do and nothing can change them except their own efforts and desire to do so. I have seen human relationships as the most troublesome thing only to realize that people have power over me when I choose to give them that power. Surely there are things that I cannot change right now, like family and my circumstances but the wonderful thing about growing up is that you never have to live in one place your entire life. We will grow and change and leave our houses and situations and find a place to belong in kinder, comfortable spaces and it will be adequate and delightful. We will have our own home with plants and a pet, and decorations and clothes that we have always wanted. We will say hello with a gentle hug, and smile at a friendly stranger, and remember the touch of a warm hand on our cheeks when we are crying and life won't be full of people who only hurt you even when it looks like that. We will get at least one person who will love us and be kind to us and it will be like a blessing, like a long forgotten prayer answered. And even if human relationships can be complicated, we will find someone who will grow with us and make it look like it's the easiest thing and that will be enough.
We will be enough.
— Rae Pathak, friday reminders.
Follow at Instagram.com/raepathak
Illustration by gyung_studio
