01/01/2021
For the past nine years I’ve felt lost, plagued by ideas of what others thought of me competing with what I thought of myself. The majority of you who follow me on Instagram are personal friends of mine, you know me as Danielle Hettara - the woman who owned and published a nudity magazine. Like most of us I became derailed somewhere in my youth but, unlike most, I never got back on track. I grew up in an environment that didn’t keep my focus and, instead of buckling down and attending design school, I decided it was cooler to be rebellious and run away from home and become a stripper. I was sexualized at a young age and didn’t fight it, I accepted it. At the time I didn’t have the benefit of the strong independent women in my life that I have now, and I didn’t stray from the path I’d followed. From stripping I went to modeling and from modeling to a nudie mag.
When Jacques was at its peak I started to find my inner voice again. I renewed my past interests and learned how to knit, natural dye, dove into costume history, attended lectures, collected historical garments, and so forth. It took me away from the magazine but I was finding happiness in these interests. Before my separation with my husband, I was getting ready to pass the magazine onto staff. I was happy I had created something but knew that the magazine wasn’t something I wanted to continue to create. I was tired of living in Brooklyn and wanted to move upstate to start a yarn company. I wanted a farm, sheep, textiles and at that time it manifested itself in the enjoyment of knitting outfits for my children who were always so excited that mommy made them something new.
However, domestic abuse, divorce, and an unplanned pregnancy derailed me once again. In a frenzy, and completely distraught, I was at war with myself. When I looked back, I used to blamed it on my young age, my family (their lack of support), or a million other excuses but really this time it was all my doing. When I was free of my abuser, instead of focusing on my dreams, which I was so close to accomplishing, I let my anger take ahold of me. Instead of buying a farm I fought for a magazine. I spent money, time, and energy on something I didn’t want. I did it because he wanted it. My ex-husband took so much from me up to that point that I wasn’t going to let him take anything else. I let him derail me and I lost sight of my goals once again.
In the the years since I have struggled with what to do with my life. I’ve toyed with opening a spiritual store, went back and forth with resurrecting the magazine, and tried to have an urban farm. The list could go on but I was either in over my head or lacked the focus to bring any of those ideas to fruition. Then COVID hit and the world came to a standstill. For once I no longer felt left behind as the world shut down. I watched the news and witnessed hundreds of thousands of deaths. I thought of the loss people were experiencing, I thought of my own loss.
Recently, a famous actress/model came forward and accused my ex husband of sexual assault. The New York Times interviewed me about my experiences with my ex-husband. They didn’t publish the whole story, which is a separate discussion, but once other women came forward about him people finally started to listen to me. I received apologies from people that disregarded me all those years ago. People I went to for help, but didn’t want to believe me all those years ago. With that came closure that I didn’t know I needed. I found that for the first time, in almost a decade, I wanted to knit and finish projects. I learned how to sew and I started dyeing again. Through all this I came full circle and saw that I could have what I wanted after all: a yarn and textile company.
So friends, I’d like to announce to you the birth of my company Frances Ophelia - luxury yarn and textiles. I’m currently working on the companies branding as well as dyeing 25 pounds of local southdown sheep skeins (with more to come). With the help and support of my partner I’m building a natural dye studio in Kingston, NY. It’s a lot of work but this is something I have spent almost a decade studying and practicing, and for once I don’t feel like i’m treading water. I’d like to take a moment to recognize you all here as you all have been so supportive of my creativity and ideas over the years. So I lift my glass to you, “ here’s to the future and here’s to you my friends”. On a separate note, I know I’m elusive, you know I’m elusive, but I wan’t you all to know that each of you are in my thoughts and in my heart. I’m excited to be sharing this all with you. My website will be up soon and I welcome ideas, wisdom, and critique! I’m looking forward to having you all over when my dye studio is complete and when covid is “under control” but for now enjoy my rhymes and my posts about my adventures in dyeing and in color. Love and respect to you all.
- Danielle Frances Ophelia Hettara
